Anger: more questions and answers

Q. I've read so many helpful questions and answers about anger. I think we are experiencing anger problems in our home. I know there is an anger problem, but I am not sure if it is simply with one person, or if after all these years that our whole family may be affected?

I have to question myself as to why I have not tried to approach this situation sooner, but I guess it's because . . . no, I know it's because I am afraid of the repercussions. No, not physical. Emotional. I'm afraid he will turn away from me and well, that will be the end of our relationship. It's a juvenile feeling, I think. He loves me a lot! And I love my husband very much. We married (9 years ago) because we are best of friends. Though I know we cannot change anyone else, I thought that he would mellow out hanging around me and my ways of handling things. Besides, he seems to have become more angry in the past few years than ever. It seems to infect more and more of the day, and I find it hard to relax. He seems to deal with problems in the most intense way, "because I make my point, then I forget about it".

However, in the process, feelings are being hurt, children are learning to be afraid he'll find out about things, and they frankly don't like approaching him about many things because he tends to be gruff and overreact. This is when I become frustrated and a bit sad that they have to turn to me all the time. I want them to have a healthy relationship with their dad. He seems to think people's forgetfulness and mistakes need to be addressed every time. I like to let things go once in awhile, when they are really inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. He's tight, and I'm slack when it comes to my nature: I'm more easy going. I have to add that he does have good qualities, and I have seen him be gentle and kind. IT IS THERE. However, my own problems with anger management likely play into this. I have been quiet when he has mismanaged his anger with something or someone else. I am ashamed of that. But, today is another day. I want to learn to express how I feel to him in each and every situation. It affects me when others are hurt, and I hurt for him because I know relationships are being damaged. The closeness and acceptance I know he wants, he is working against with his relational style. I am looking for ways of not accepting his behaviour, supporting the kids when they are in receipt of his inappropriately expressed anger, and hoping he will begin to recognize there is a problem.  I think if we could get a handle on this, it would have a great rippling effect in our family.

This is one area I have never been able to approach him on (not willing). I know if this is going to be a healthy marriage and family, it has to be addressed. I'm sure you have lots on your plate, and I appreciate the time you have taken to supply the info on your site. I am hoping you have time to send some ideas my way.

A. That was a long one! And it graphically described your situation and your dilemma.

And it seems that 'quality of life' is beginning to become important to you. It seems strange that he's been like this for so long and you have never discussed it - sounds like maybe you are into placatory behaviour of the 'I mustn't upset him' type???

This won't help - it will tend to non-verbally signal that he is in charge. A lot of anger is power-driven. The angry person likes the looks of fear that their tantrums evoke. Not that they like hurting - they just like the feeling of being powerful - and often they are people who have very little power or influence outside their immediate family.

Of course, I cannot tell you what to do. I can tell you that, in my opinion, sweeping it under the carpet just makes for a bumpy journey over the carpet - and it will get worse rather than better. He's likely in his 40's or 50's - and won't necessarily want to change...

Does he know how you really feel when he's having a tantrum? Does this bother him - 'enough for him to manage his moods better???? Perhaps this could also be discussed.

Telling him how you feel - without attributing blame might be useful. Then saying that the children feel the same - again without attributing blame.

And you're right it has to be addressed - otherwise you're all living a lie.

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