Frequent tantrums

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Updated Tuesday, 08 July 2008

His frequent tantrums

Query: my husband goes into a rage every time something goes wrong - i.e., the garbage disposal didn't work - what did we do to it to break it. help!!! (only one example)

Reply: I empathise with you. It must be a pretty tense household - just waiting for the next explosion.

What to do about it? Well, first thing is you cannot change him - directly. You can influence him indirectly. But this will take time and patience - and courage and determination.

So if you love him, despite his tantrums, then you may wish to give the following ideas a fair trial. (Of course if the tantrums also involve threatening behaviour you may need to seriously consider your safety.)

I used the word 'tantrum' deliberately. Rather like we'd use it with a 3-year old lying on the supermarket floor having a tantrum because he cannot have sweets. Unfortunately if the 3-year old is rewarded guess what happens? He's discovered a way of conditioning his parents - because they reacted to his tantrum by giving in.

And, again guess what, if this continues the child becomes a tantrum-raising adolescent and then a tantrum-throwing adult. Only now there are fewer people to reward the tantrum and so the person may try even harder - greater and more dramatic rages.

Some eventually catch on and realise the game has changed - many just go hunting for someone to impress. Someone who will react to their tempers in a way that their parents used to.

Get the point?

The question is - how might you be, unwittingly, rewarding the behaviour? Do you try to appease? Or please? Or calm him? Or show fear? All of these tend to give the angry person a sense of power - they are, at last, getting a familiar reaction!

Incidentally, the worst thing you can do is to react in kind - with a tantrum of your own. Very occasionally this may produce a placatory response from them. But only if you are able to terrify them even more than they terrify you. Meanwhile it's a pretty unpleasant experience for you both, for your family, and for the neighbours. And if you cannot out-tantrum(!) him it could lead to violence.

Okay, what to do? I'd try avoiding letting him see ANY emotional response to his outbursts. Neither fear, nor concern, nor anger, etc. React in a dispassionate and unemotional manner. Almost clinically detached. Perhaps carrying on with whatever you were doing. Or simply leave the building for a while. If he's not got an audience he's unlikely (but this is not guaranteed) to continue ranting.

Basically, I am suggesting that you check to discover how your behaviour may be feeding his rages and stop doing this.

And, finally, I cannot stress enough that your first concern must be for your safety - mental as well as physical. No matter how much you love somebody your own well-being has to be your priority. Best wishes, Reg

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