Questions about Anger

Re-routing anger

Q. Is there any one book you would recommend that deals with the physical and emotional details of anger and how to reroute it? 

A. The book that best suits you will depend on your personal tastes and I do not know of one that is so good it could be recommended to everyone. There are hundreds of books on anger. Most of them have the theme of what to do with angry feelings. I believe that this is missing the point. 

From practical hands-on experience of helping people to deal with their anger over some  years I believe that the most important thing to focus on is to NOT get angry in the first place. Then you do not have to find ways of dealing with it, re-routing it, or getting rid of it. 

As suggested in the main anger section the key thing with anger is to deal with the 'hot buttons' the triggers that precipitate the angry feelings and thoughts. Once these triggers have been activated and you are feeling angry it is too late to do anything other than avoid making things worse, by acting out your anger, or working at calming yourself down.

For example, someone with the anger habit is a bit like someone who has the habit of putting their  finger on the hot-plate of an electric cooker. (OK, I agree that it's a bit more complex and subtle than this - but stay with the analogy for a moment). Once you do it you do not feel good - your finger hurts and it injured. So, of course, you now have to seek treatment for the injury and relief for the pain. 

But what if you spend your time, in between anger bouts, looking for better treatments for burns or better ways of handling pain? Wouldn't it be better to learn to not put your finger on  the hot-plate in the first place!

I suggest that you deal with your anger habit in two ways

1. Start recognising your hot buttons - the things that provoke your anger. Then change how you handle these. (See the anger section for more information on this.) 

2. Understand the physiological and emotional changes that anger produces (in general, the fight and flight response is engaged - unlike people who respond to the unknown with fear you respond with anger - you want to fight rather than flee.) so that you know how to handle the symptoms once these occur. 

3. Deal with these symptoms - while keeping a clear focus on the priority of not getting angry so often, so easily, so heatedly, etc. Deal with the symptoms through managing your breathing, relaxing physically, calming your thinking - and learning from each anger episode so it is less likely to recur.

Maybe there's light at the end of the tunnel!

Q. I have been struggling for so long - years in fact - with so many of the issues covered here, particularly 'anger',  I feel with this help, maybe there's light at the end of my tunnel!  Thank you so much!

A. Thanks for that nice message, Jackie. I'm glad the information has provided you with increased hope.

The theme of the info. on the site is that we can help ourselves - once we know how to go about it. And, of course, that putting the information into practise is what makes the difference - not just knowing it. So lots of persistence and strength!

Keep checking back, too. I update fairly regularly. You might also consider subscribing to the free email newsletter - it will keep you informed of additions to the site.

My husband's anger

Q. I think my husband has an anger problem. He loses his temper every week. He yells at me and curses about small matters such as leaving a light on or putting something on the wrong shelf or leaving the top off the milk bottle. How can I get him to address his anger problem- or is this normal behaviour. We have only been married 6 months.

A. Sounds like you both need to have a chat with a marriage guidance counsellor. Now's the time to do it before things settle down in this route forever, too!

It's likely that his high expectations of married life didn't include things like having to negotiate and compromise and share duties! That's why I suggest that you address it as a joint issue rather than as his problem.

Anger-management courses & facilitators?

Q. Do you know of any anger-management help in the Leicester (UK) area? 

A. There are anger management programmes in most part of the UK - BUT... you have to seek them out, I'm sorry to say!

The best way to begin would be with a phone call to your local GP surgery - they usually hear about such courses and sometimes run them themselves. Then try your local Citizens Advice Bureau,  your local Social Services, library notice boards, etc.

Check out this organisation www.nlptca.com which has an online list of members who are accredited NLP therapists.

Anger is destroying my life!

Q. Thank you for your section on Anger!  It is the best and freshest info I have read on the subject...particularly the section on "anger management" programs.  I only hope I can begin to use this info to stop getting angry, as it is destroying my life!  If you have any other help to offer me it will be deeply appreciated. 

A. Many thanks for the great feedback, Gary. It's great to get that sort of message first thing on a Sunday morning!

I hope you also find it useful while you're actually putting the information into practical use. There will be extra pieces posted from time to time on the subject of anger. These are usually mentioned in our newsletter so it might be worthwhile subscribing to that.

You say "I only hope I can begin....'"  Well you can begin...  That's the easiest piece, but... ...it's the sticking at it that counts - and I hope you will............stick at it, Gary!

Reg

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NLP - Neuro-Linguistic Programming

NLP is used to develop the ideas and themes on this site. I have been using it for over 30 years - and it continually impresses me. Check the following links if you would like to know more about NLP: What is NLP, Why learn NLP, About Pegasus NLP