Can I help my boyfriend?

Q: My boyfriend is in need of help in controlling his anger. He has read all the info in your web pages. He is getting help by going to anger management.

How can I as a girlfriend help him and is there any information about supporting him as he goes through this?

R: First of all, congratulations to you both for the team-approach you are taking to this.

As your partner will have read, anger is not a weakness - it's a soft-wired response that we develop - often at a quite young age.

So treating it as an issue for both of you to work on will make things a lot easier for him than if he were teamed up with someone who simply demanded you've got a problem - and if we're going to continue then you'd better sort yourself out!

How to help?

The biggest help is simply being there. Allowing the space to talk about the anger management programme if he wants to. Or to not talk about it if that's what he wants.

Sometimes the best support we can offer people is simply being there, watching, noticing, listening - really listening, and giving them the space to talk if and when they want to and to remain silent if that's what they need.

There's a fashion in new age/counselling circles that people have to share everything to be truthful, or valid, or healthy.

Not so. For some people talking about a problem (other than, perhaps, in a professional setting) can make it seem worse rather than help with it.

Finally, I would suggest that you're doing the best thing by simply recognising

That this is something your boyfriend is a victim of
That he IS actively working on
That when the anger 'buttons' are triggered he has little conscious control

Of course, it would be a completely different matter if he were using this I have no control thing as an alibi to be obnoxious - but he is not. Keep working on it as a team. Good luck to you both.

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Can I help my boyfriend?

How to help?

Anger: supporting him