I’m destroying our marriage

Q: I have recently come to the realization that my anger is destroying my marriage. After one too many blow-ups recently, my wife got serious. It was a wake-up call to me and I'm trying to resolve my anger issues.

I was feeling pretty confident about not having any significant blow-ups because I want my wife to feel safe and I want my marriage to last. I realize that 15 years of letting my anger get the best of me has taken it's toll on her. Now I'm hoping for things to get "normal".

We've always had a wonderful sexual relationship. Recently though, my wife isn't really interested in sex. I haven't forced myself upon her, figuring she will eventually become comfortable with me again. She reminds me that sex isn't the only thing in our relationship and she is right. Whenever she initiates sex, we always have sex and she says she doesn't have to be the only one to initiate. However, when I initiate... she is too tired, etc.

Now after so many tries, I am frustrated and feeling a little angry. I feel like a baby that can't get his way, but also feel wronged when my wife displays her nakedness openly to me, sleeps next to me closely, kisses and hugs me passionately, but then doesn't want to have sex. I'm afraid that I'm on course for another angry blow-up that will damage our relationship.

The past blow-ups were never physically abusive, but did get to the point where I said and did some things ‘for effect’ e.g. once I began to pack my bags saying I've had it. Once I threw a hot dog that I was eating forcefully to the ground. Once I sped down the interstate way too fast, etc.

Unfortunately there are 15 years of these episodes and I can't afford another one. Please help me, twb, Jack.

R: Jack, You put your finger on the issue when you said 'I feel like a baby' because, as you'll have read from the site, anger is really a ploy to get our own way by stomping our feet and demanding that the world give us what we want.

As we develop into mature adults many people realise that in life we have to negotiate. We have to give as well as take/demand.

From what you say, after 15 years your wife has got tired of giving-in to a demanding 3 year old in a man's body. And probably feels resentful of you and your inability to see things from any perspective other than your own. (Even in your email you are mainly referring to your feelings and your needs!)

How about thinking of what it is like for her, what it has been like for her. Then you'll perceive why she has likely had enough.

And if you want to know how to do this - ask her! Simply put your cards on the table "I really don't understand what it is like for you (and what it has been like for you) - because I've always been too interested in my needs and 'rights' to bother to find out..."

Yes, you can probably save your marriage IF you change your tack. And become a bit interested in her for her sake rather than as a ploy to get what you want/need.

But I'd not waste too much time in getting started on this - from my experience in working with people, things tend to happen quite fast when they get to this stage, Jack. I hope you DO get yourself working on this - and that you save your marriage. Regards, Reg.

Q2: Thanks very much for the advice I really appreciate it.

R2: You're welcome, Jack! Hope it starts a fresh approach. Thanks for replying, too, only about 1 person in a 100 writes to say thanks!

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Anger in marriage of 15 years