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Anger with my step-son

Q 1: Hello, I have just read your section on anger. I feel I fit into a lot of the categories for having an anger control problem.

My biggest problem is my step-son. He's 13 and all we seem to do is yell at each other. Most of the time it’s because he did not do something the way I expected it, or if I feel like he isn't showing me enough respect.

This is very stressful on my wife. I will try to watch out for my triggers and control them because I often feel lousy after I lose my temper and yell. I think the anger management steps will help. If there is any other advice you can offer I would appreciate it. Thank you. Sam.

A 1: Teenage step-children and their step-parents frequently have this problem. And there is no easy answer - for you. You will simply have to recognise that at his, age, as he develops his pre-adult personality, you are one of the safest people for him to try out his assertiveness on.

He may also be recognising that as you are not his ‘real' parent that you do not have ‘rights' over him - however long you may have lived together.

The tough bit for you will be to stand back. Take a lower profile... if you want peace for yourself, your wife, and your step-son. Otherwise you've got about 5-7 years of battling ahead of you.

Let his mother handle the discipline. Be frank and open with him - tell him that you recognise the difficulty he now has in following your rules.

Then do what organisational managers do when they do not have direct line-authority over someone - they negotiate.

Tell him that's what you now propose to do. And that you recognise that your attempts to assert authority have failed! Which they have! And so they should - fail, that is!

He's railing against the injustice of an ‘incomer' telling him what to do and demanding respect from him. Respect has to be earned, Sam, not bullied into someone.

How would you like it if someone at work bawled you out and demanded that you do what they say and that you then also show them more respect. Chances are that you would not like it. You might have to put up with it to stay employed but it'd be under duress.

He doesn't have to put up with your behaviour. He does not have to show you any more respect than you earn - and you can only do that by respecting his age, his view of the world, his fears and concerns, his wants and hopes.

Sorry! This may not be what you wanted to hear. It's not how it is - only how I see it - and how I've seen similar situations when I worked as a counsellor.

But I hope it starts you thinking and negotiating. Think of the alternative - years of shouting and sulking...

Q 2: Thanks for getting back to me, and thank you for your honesty. I understand what you said and I think if I try to do that it will work. Thanks again, Sam.

Reply 2: Stay with it, Sam! Just think of what's really important... In the long term....

Being respected and obeyed by a kid for a few years...

...or the peace of mind of both you and your wife for the next few decades. Regards, Reg

Q 3: I'll stick with it. What I really worry about is the relationship I will have with him when he is older and grown up. I want us to have the kind of friendship I have with my Dad. So I will ease off and see if that helps. Thanks again

Reply 3: That's an understandable point, Sam.

One thing to remember is that nowadays 13 year olds are a lot more mature than, say, 20 years ago. Often more like a 15-16 year old was back then.

So negotiation works better with them - usually. (Nothing's guaranteed in human relationships).

It's great that you'd like to have a good relationship with him. That's your starting point. Say that to him. But tell him you'll need his help in this ‘because the relationship I had with my Dad was based on different ways of communicating'.

Perhaps you could put your cards on the table and say: ‘Look this hasn't been working. I think I may understand how you must feel about me - but you'll need to guide me, knowing that you can now trust me to hear you openly. The old way, where I tried to force you to knuckle down to it, didn't work. Yet we need to have a reasonably cooperative household. And I want the best for you. So what do you and I need to do....? Let's take a few months to get to know each other in a different way - man to man.’"

This may work. But for sure the old way didn't. And if this way doesn't work (perhaps because he has too much suspicion or resentment based on your attempts to over-power him, you'll just have to keep trying different approaches.

"If what you are doing isn't working - anything else will be an improvement"

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My stepson and I yell at each other